For years now, my family has been suffering from wounds caused by the Church. Deep internal bruising and exterior gashes that seem to get worse instead of healing over time. When I ask my parents if they want to go to church with me, the fear in my mother's eyes followed by my dad's passive silence tells me the answer is a resounding "no."

I have been in prayer (and have had others in prayer as well) for my parents for a long time. And a lot of the time, it has felt rather hopeless.

Until last week.  

"Your dad and I have decided to go to church on Saturday night." My mom says to me so nonchalantly.

"For Realz?!"  I replied.

"It's time, right Jay?!" She turns to my dad who confidently confirmed her statement with a head nod.

"Coolio!" is what I said, but a celebratory parade complete with fireworks ran through my head like it was the Main Street Parade of Disney Land.   

The other day my dad asked me if I would go with him to pick up my brother. I was in a mood, but I decided to go with him. We got maybe a block down the road and my dad says, "Robin, will you pray?"

"Pray for what, Dad?"

"For our safety."

"Okay.. Jesus..." so I prayed for our safety.

"Pray for Mom...and your Grandpa."

So I prayed for my Mom and my Grandpa (who has recently been diagnosed with cancer).

"Don't forget to pray for your brothers."

So, I prayed for my brothers.

"Oh, and my family too!"

"Dad, why don't you pray?"

"Alright, Lord please be with my family. They don't know you. I want them to know you. And, Lord, I just pray for the lost in general. They need you, they need to know you. Show yourself tonight to people who need you..."

The moment he says "Lord" tears start flowing out of my eyes, and I realize how powerful the prayers of my Dad are. We pray for a few other things and we get to the parking lot of my brothers work place.

My dad then, puts his hand on my head and says, "Lord, thank you for my daughter, Robin. Her mom and I couldn't be more proud of her. She is a blessing to us and thank you for giving her to us. I know she longs to do your will, Lord, and I just pray guidance and that she would continue walking in your will. Amen."

I can't stop the tears at this point.

Cody gets in the car and he begins to pray as well. 

Who knew a car ride with Dad would turn into a prayer service?! A month ago, it would have never happened.

My prayer is that this is a common occurrence from now on.

I anticipated that coming home would be difficult.  In some ways it definitely has been. I miss my squad-mates very much and I miss having a community where prayer and deep discussion were (most of the time) preferred over watching a movie.  I feel that the whole Race was a dream and I never left home, yet being home I feel like I don't really fit anywhere because everything has changed.

I thought that going to a big store would be hard, that even going to Church would be a challenge...but they weren't. I've been totally okay. I do however, carry a water bottle with me most of the time now and wear the same outfits over and over again (sometimes 2 or 3 days in a row).

Before I left on the Race, I was sure God would burden my heart for a country. I expected that he would let my heart break for children in Africa or women in Thailand. I fully expected to come home from the race burdened for a country. What I didn't expect, however, was that country to be my own. The more I traveled around the world, the more my heart was burdened for the United States. 

I watched as Asian men and women bowed down to a huge statue of Buddha, in not only one country but three. I saw men and women give more loyalty, devotion, and kindness to a cow than they did to the dying people in the streets of India. I saw hundreds of men and boys rush into an Islamic mosque for afternoon prayer. I watched Hindu people cremate their loved one and push their ashes into a river, because that river would 'carry their soul" in Nepal. I met children who have a rope tied around their waist in hopes that evil spirits wouldn't harm them in Africa. These things broke my heart, but not enough to warrant a return visit for good.

Now that I've been home for a few weeks, my heart is burdened for home even more than before. My heart is wrenched when I hear of students who are bullied so much that they want to die to get away from the pain. It aches for young girls who are molested by family members.  It breaks when I see people who chase their pain away with drugs and alcohol.  I see that same emptiness and struggle when people go to food and sports as their "idols" but have no idea. My heart breaks watching people do things that give them temporary highs and fixes but in the end are no where near satisfying that hole inside them. These things plus much MUCH more burn a righteous anger inside of me that I can't contain...

The truth of it is, I want to be true love in a place where the meaning has been thwarted. I want to be unconditional love in a place where love comes and goes as it pleases and doesn't last. I want to be Jesus here, in America, where even Christians aren't Christians. I want to be friends with the bullied and bully. I want to be friends with the homeless. I want to love on kids who don't have family. I want to be there for that girl who goes to far with her boyfriend and gets pregnant. I want to love and be friends with people who are gay. I want to be friends with prostitutes. I want to help uncover the sex trafficking industry in America. I want to be friends with inner-city gang members. I want to be friends with pimps.

Why?! ..... Because Jesus does.

Jesus, never let my heart stop from breaking....

That is what "Robin" means. So since I was born, 'shining fame' has been spoken over me.  If you have known me at all over the last few years, you would know that when it comes to performing I have an uncontrollable yearning to be on the stage-but I don't do it that often. "Why?!" you ask?  Because one, I didn't think I was good enough, two, I figured that I am called to ministry, so I can't do it, because being called to ministry means working in a church.

 Is it really? Should I be suppressing these deep strong yearnings of performing? 

 I've been mulling over this every moment of every day over the last week. Is this something that is plausible? Is it something that Jesus would like me to do? Or am I destined to work in a church for the rest of my life? (Which, by the way, I am NOT opposed to... I think that I would make an EXCELLENT pastor's wife)

 For the longest time, there were two people in the world that I wanted to meet, Michael Jackson and Brittney Spears. I wanted to be their friend, someone that would stand by their side and love them in the midst of a world that criticized them and defiled them. When the WHOLE world turns on them, I wanted to be someone who, no matter what, loved them unconditionally when it seemed they were on their last thread of hope.

 Unfortunately, Michael Jackson has died.  I was so sad, because I don't know if anyone told him about Jesus. I don't know where he stood with God, and I never got the chance to tell him.

 There are not many Christians who think that Hollywood is a legit mission field. I however, believe it is one with the greatest need. Think about it, what if Lady Gaga came to know Jesus?  What if?! 

 What if those people who are called don't go because other people say it's not a 'legit' ministry!?

 What do you think would happen if Christians stopped protesting homosexuality (which the show-biz culture is full of) and instead invited them to lunch and built relationships with them and loved them like Jesus does?

 Well, like Isaiah, when God asks "Who will go to this 'nation/culture?' I will respond with "Here I am, send me!"

 A lot of you know that I have a huge heart for youth ministry. And that has not changed. I do believe that youth ministry is in my future. But since I am young and single, why not take this opportunity to be used in the media circuit?  And speaking of youth ministry, where does one of the biggest influences on a teen's life come from?

 .... Celebrities.

I wanted to give you all a little more insight into my soul. I am one that connects to music very easily, especially with lyrics I relate to. 

1. All In by Lifehouse

"And I'm all in, calling out your name, even if I lose the game, I'm all in, I'm all in for life"

This song was my anthem for leaving home. I was giving 2011 to Jesus and I was 'all in for life, even if I loose the game.'

2. The Anthem by Jake Hamilton

I am royalty, I have destiny, I have been set free, I am gonna shake history, I am gonna change the world!

3. God of All Glory by Jeremy Riddle

We raise holy hands, We extol the King of Kings, We rend our whole heart As a fragrant offering. Lifting up one voice, Resounding out one cry (Let it ring, let it rise)

4. Awake My Soul by Mumford and Sons

How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes, I struggle to find any truth in your lies. And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know, this weakness I feel I must finally show...

5. Send Me on My Way by Rusted Root

Send me on my way, on my way // I would like to reach out my hand, I may see you, I may tell you to run...

6. Find My Own Flame by Will Reagan and United Pursuit

I don't want to ride on somebody else's passion. I don't want to find that I'm just dry bones. I want to burn with unquenchable fire, deep down inside see it coming alive...

7. Something to Say by Glen Hansard

'Cause I'm picking up a message Lord.  And I'm closer than I've ever been before.
So if you have something to say, say it to me now....

I just love this song. I don't think it's actually written about God, but when I hear this line, I think of my Jesus. I knew I was on the brink of something, and that God was ready to talk to me...

8. Over My Head by Starfield

I'm ruined for anything other than your love...

This was my song in Mozambique (Month 6). I've known this song since I was in high school, but this was the first time I actually heard this line.... Oh my goodness, how I am ruined for anything other than the love of Jesus.

I know the end of the story: I come up from the wilderness leaning on my beloved.

I got really into Jon Thurlow while I was in South Africa (Month 7). This was my favorite by him. (As you can see, the next few songs are his...) He sings about the strong love of Jesus over and over and over again in this song, and it doesn't get tiring! This song was on repeat the whole month.

10. My Little One by Jon Thurlow

I've always been the God who hears my little one. I'll hold you close to me, I'll help you through the unbelief...my little one.

11. True Worship by Rita Springer

Let our worship be salvation for the lost and the dying. Let it flow from this place into these streets, into broken homes, let it touch wounded souls in your name....Let this be true worship..

 Need I say more?!

12. Faithful to the End by Cory Asbury.

He's faithful to the end, faithful to my heart. Faithful to the end...He will come and marry me...

I listen to this song, over and over and over again. When I began drawing in the spirit, I just put this song on repeat.

13. Things Are Not Okay by Jon Thurlow

Things as they are, are not okay, when someone is missing, someone is absent...Jesus come back....

While on a prayer walk in Darwin, Australia (Month 10), Jesus had me pray this song.

 14. Make You Feel My Love by Adele (Bob Dylan Cover)

When the rain Is blowing in your face And the whole world Is on your case I could offer you A warm embrace To make you feel my love...

This is another one of those, that isn't written for God, but whenever I hear this first line, I think of him.

15. The Cave by Mumford and Sons

So tie me to a post and block my ears. I can see widows and orphans through my tears.
I know my call despite my faults and despite my growing fears, So I, will hold on hope  /// You can understand dependence When you know the maker's hand /// Cause I need freedom now And I need to know how To live my life as it's meant to be ....

I know my call despite my faults and despite my growing fears... Man, Mumford and Sons just get me every time...

16. White Blank Page by Mumford and Sons

You desired my attention but denied my affections, /// Lead me to the truth and I will follow you with my whole life.

This line rips my heart out every time I hear this song. How many times do we desire God's attention, and ask of him favors and requests, but we deny the very affections of his heart..... oh man oh man oh man...

17. Defying Gravity by Idina Menzel and Kristen Chenoweth (OBC Wicked)

Something has changed within me, something is not the same. I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game. It's too late for second-guessing, too late to go back to sleep. It's time to trust my instincts, Close my eyes and leap...   It's time to try defying gravity...

I love musicals. If I wasn't listening to any of the above songs, I was listening to a musical. The reason I love this line of the song, is because when I hear it, I think about how I've changed and I can't go back to who I was. I can't.

I done trying to live my life based on what others think of me. I can care to a point, but not so much as it affects every single choice I ever make. I'm ready to defy gravity. I'm ready to let go and let God...

"Robin. Our contact asked us if we wanted to paint a mural on a wall... is that something you would at all be interested in?!"

I jumped up and down with excitement and joy saying "YES YES YES YES!! I DO, I DO, I DO!!"

Allison and I decided that we would each paint a mural. I wanted to paint the right thing on the wall, so I went to Jesus.

"Jesus, what would you like me to paint on the wall?" I was amazed by his quick response. In my mind I saw a picture of a tree stump and a few feet to the right was a newly growing plant. Then I saw underneath the ground where the roots were. The trunk roots were intricate and numerous, but one of the roots grew/stretched out and was the main root for the new plant that was growing. 

So, even though the tree was cut down and appearing not to be producing anything, but it is still alive and growing into a whole new plant....

I went with this idea. I picked a wall and sketched it on. Unbeknownst to me, while I was at ministry with my team, Allison was telling the director of the building our ideas for our murals and which walls we were going to be painting on.

When Allison told him about mine, he was amazed, because apparently the woman who was painting in that room before me (there is a painting of a grapevine with John 15 on the other side of the wall) wanted to paint the exact same picture on that same part of the wall but she couldn't because she ran out of time! 

How crazy is that?! That a woman had an idea about a picture on a wall, but ran out of time to do it, and here I come along, and God uses me to finish her idea! I have no idea who this other woman is, or how long ago she was here...but I hope she comes to know that God finished her picture.... I'm so glad to have been the instrument in which he used to finish it.

 

 

 

 

Even for the last few years, I've been in full time ministry, and how many "converts" have I personally had? Zero.

I've been struggling with this for years now. Throughout my childhood, it was engrained in my head that I needed to lead people to Christ. I needed to tell people about Jesus! So, what did I do? I told people about Jesus. I talked about God every chance I got (and people who knew me in school, and even today will tell you that He was what I talked about most of the time).

But, even as a child, I knew that talking about Jesus wasn't enough. I had to live what I believed. So, I loved on people. I loved them despite what they did (at least I did my best to) and had thousands upon thousands of conversations about God. But never did anyone say "Robin, I want to become a Christian, how can I do that?"

Wait a second. God is proud of me? Even though I have never led anyone to salvation? He still favors me? He is not disappointed or ashamed? He favors me? He still wants me to continue in ministry?

One of my biggest fears about coming back to the States next week is when people will ask me how many people did I lead to the Lord? How many people did I pray over and see them healed?  Did I see any kind of miracle? And my answer to all of those questions is... none whatsoever.. 

The miracle I saw on the World Race was the change inside of me. It is seeing the person I have become. Before the race, I was insecure, I struggled with a constant fear of rejection, I had no confidence, I was lonely, I was paralyzed with fear of the unknown, especially when it came to my future so I didn't make any decisions...etc., etc., etc.

I walk now in the confidence of the beauty God created me with, I know that I am accepted and loved unconditionally especially by my Father, I'm no longer lonely, and I have a dream and a vision of my future that I feel is attainable and exciting....

I am not a failure at being a Christian. This I know is the undoubted truth.

 I live to love people like Jesus loves them, and no one can stop me...

I'm in love.

I can't believe it. I'm head-over-heels in love. I never thought this would happen. The best part is, this man whom I love, is head-over-heels in love with me. 

I've never felt so loved by anyone. He tells me how beautiful I am, and he tells me that I'm worthy of the love that I've searched and asked for my entire life. There's no place I'd rather be than in his arms. When he puts his arms around me, his love overwhelms me and I just sink in.  He treats me like a Queen, not giving into my every whim, but treats me with honor and dignity and righteousness. He lifts me up and encourages me. And, he makes me laugh. He is so spontaneous and romantic. He loves to dance with me.

He protects me. Just the other day, I was talking to him and he was pointing out my tiredness and telling me that Satan was going to start finding my weak points. I looked into his eyes and said "I can't do this by myself. Will you help me?!" And help me he has...

When his name is spoken, I can't help but smile.  Just hearing his name and hearing others speak about him makes my heart leap with joy.

Even when I don't talk to him for a while, he doesn't get angry. He smiles and greets me with the best hugs. 

He loves listening to music with me.  That's when we often dance together.

I could go on and on and on.  The man I love is....more than I could have imagined.  We have the same dreams and the same heart. And he encourages me to pursue my dreams and pursue my passions, because those are what I was created for.

The man I love is strong. He's dependable. He's gracious. He's compassionate.

He's attractive. He is..... Everything I've ever needed and wanted.

The name of the man I love is......Jesus.